If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
