I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
