the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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