When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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