every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
