So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
