I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
