im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
