I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
