They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
