he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
