cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
