Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
