btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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