I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
