This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
