i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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