So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
