You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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