someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
