so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Terrible idea I love it
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
