I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
