party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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