I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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