There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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