Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
