We're facebook friends in real life
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
