I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
