I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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