I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
