Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Randomize
