her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
