walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
