That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
