Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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