are you still at the devil's house?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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