and you said cock pushups were impossible
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
