but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I miss vodka workout Fridays
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
