He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
