Just fell off a train. Bad.
I could make wine with my vomit
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
