Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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