I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
