Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You took a bar mat shot.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
