i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
