david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
