Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
