There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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