THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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