I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
