you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
