On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
