I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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