Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i drank out of a bidet.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
