you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
