I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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