Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
