I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
