Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
