She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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