Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
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I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
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I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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