I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
