god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't deserve a penis
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
