I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
